Keith to Buddy: " Is there any circumstance that you can think of that would allow a player to pick up their ball in a sand trap or hazard and take a free drop?"
Buddy's reply: "Absolutely not."
Keith to Park: "F-ing cheater!"
Park to Buddy: "What if there is a huge ass fan directly between the ball and the hole?"
Buddy's reply: "Well...that's interesting. If I drove out there for a ruling I suppose that I would have to give you a drop because the fan is not part of the course. If you wanted to you could have it moved to play your shot. I am evoking a local rule here guys. "
Park to Keith: "Blow me Keith."
We had it up to 40 vegas on 17 because we are idiots. Everybody is popping but Haggard who is going to make his usual bogey+. Walker hits his second safely in the middle for an easy two putt net birdie. Keith leaves his second a little short but makes a great pitch to about 3 feet (missed the putt). That leaves my goofy ass. I yanked my second shot in the top of the left trap to an ugly downhill lie. The last time I had hit out of the sand was in the green side bunker on 9. I Beurgler'ed it about 115 yards back down the fairway. Needless to say, I was a little concerned about the shot at hand. However, when I got to my ball the fan was directly between me and the hole. I took relief no closer to the hole. Some might say that my lie was dramatically improved. Maybe it was, maybe it wasn't, but I still had a shot to hit. I splashed it to about 8 feet...made the putt...blow me Keith.
Editors note: The ball was dropped in the sand.
Monday, July 5, 2010
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Buerglers Bunker Breakdown
For the first time that I can ever remember, there was no swing game on a sunny summer Saturday morning. William, Romie, and I looked all over the club for a fourth to no avail . The local TGA Stroke Play and the Enid Acorn Invitational had turned Gardeniaville into a ghost town.
We took off just the three of us to play at least nine holes before deciding what do with the rest of our afternoon. I was not about to challenge summer Willy to much of a money game. We decided on 10 point two downs, and Romie played us for 5 a side. Romie had enough after nine, so he took off losing 5 to William and pushing with me. Not having much to do, William and I decided to stick it out for the back nine.
A very uneventful day got exciting quickly on the 13th hole. William hit his shot into the trap right and I found the elusive sweet spot on my six iron and knocked one close. William proceeds to shank one right off my ass out of the trap! I know it is a big target but I was standing straight right of where he was trying to hit the ball. Now for the really strange part. After rolling in the first birdie of my life on 13, Willy tries to call a penalty on me. This is totally unexpected as Keith is 120 miles away and he is the only one who would try to pull that crap. A quick call to the pro shop yields the correct ruling. Pat said that William could fire at me all day long with no penalties incurred for myself. I asked him to quickly bring me out some catchers gear for the final few holes.
On the par 5 14th Buergler hit his second shot into the left green side bunker. I am going nowhere near this situation! No one is safe at this point. Especially the 25 people participating in the Parade of Homes who are touring the new house that sits green side on 14. William thins another one directly into the swimming pool narrowly missing the pool guys head! The Realtors must of loved that shot. For the record, the ball hit was a Gardeniaville Invitational ball. At least we got some publicity out of the deal.
My only trip to the bunker all day came on 17, where I nestled one up tight to the green tees on the 18th tee box!
Nobody got hurt to bad, at least not financially. I ended up handing over a few points to William, but I did get a Gardeniaville Invitational tattoo on my ass...which is nice!
We took off just the three of us to play at least nine holes before deciding what do with the rest of our afternoon. I was not about to challenge summer Willy to much of a money game. We decided on 10 point two downs, and Romie played us for 5 a side. Romie had enough after nine, so he took off losing 5 to William and pushing with me. Not having much to do, William and I decided to stick it out for the back nine.
A very uneventful day got exciting quickly on the 13th hole. William hit his shot into the trap right and I found the elusive sweet spot on my six iron and knocked one close. William proceeds to shank one right off my ass out of the trap! I know it is a big target but I was standing straight right of where he was trying to hit the ball. Now for the really strange part. After rolling in the first birdie of my life on 13, Willy tries to call a penalty on me. This is totally unexpected as Keith is 120 miles away and he is the only one who would try to pull that crap. A quick call to the pro shop yields the correct ruling. Pat said that William could fire at me all day long with no penalties incurred for myself. I asked him to quickly bring me out some catchers gear for the final few holes.
On the par 5 14th Buergler hit his second shot into the left green side bunker. I am going nowhere near this situation! No one is safe at this point. Especially the 25 people participating in the Parade of Homes who are touring the new house that sits green side on 14. William thins another one directly into the swimming pool narrowly missing the pool guys head! The Realtors must of loved that shot. For the record, the ball hit was a Gardeniaville Invitational ball. At least we got some publicity out of the deal.
My only trip to the bunker all day came on 17, where I nestled one up tight to the green tees on the 18th tee box!
Nobody got hurt to bad, at least not financially. I ended up handing over a few points to William, but I did get a Gardeniaville Invitational tattoo on my ass...which is nice!
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Different Alsup, Same Result
On the eve of the Ridge Run, I must say that I’m not going into this year’s event with much certainty about my golf game. My last round of golf was meant to be a relaxing confidence booster and somehow turned into a demoralizer. Last Thursday evening we were too late for the Skins Game so I met Jeff at the range for a little practice session followed by nine holes. On our way to #1 tee, we spot Lien Alsup and invite her to join us. I had already heard that she had shot her career best round (76) that week, so she was riding high. Jeff and I thought her little 76 from the ladies tees was cute, but we were ready to show her some real “man” golf.
On #1 tee, Lien asked if we wanted to play skins. Jeff gives her a patronizing smile and says “sure darling, whatever you want.”
So Jeff and I spray a couple drives and Lien pipes one down the middle. Lien then pures a 3-wood and a wedge to birdie #1 and win a skin. Driving up to #2 tee box Jeff says to me, “I’m glad she won a skin early, that way she won’t get too discouraged when I whip her ass.”
The pin on #2 is back right on that little shelf. Jeff and I both hit the green but are nowhere near the hole. Lien steps up and promptly sticks it to 5 feet. At this point, I’m starting to sense what’s coming. I yell out to Lien, “For the record, I only have two dollars in my wallet.” Jeff says “I only have four dollars in my wallet, like it’s going to matter anyway.” Fortunately for us, Lien misses her putt and we tie the hole. We also tie #3 (after Lien hits a majestic 6 iron out of the fairway bunker to about 20 feet), and we tie #4, so #5 is worth 4 holes. I had a bad feeling about this hole because Lien had made it look so easy on the last par 5 we played. Sure enough… a striped driver, and 2 striped hybrids later, Lien is looking at a 3-footer for birdie. She cans it and Jeff and I are officially getting run-over.
At the end of the nine holes, Lien shoots 39 and wins 8 holes. Jeff plays well, shoots 38, and wins one hole. It doesn’t take long to do the math and figure out how many holes the Hobster won. A front nine 43 doesn’t go as far as it once did.
We play a couple emergency holes to try to soothe Jeff’s ego, but Lien won those holes also. Once in the clubhouse, we realized we never came up with a denomination of what each skin was worth. Jeff said they were worth $10, Lien said they were worth $1, and I said I wasn’t paying shit. We finally negotiated it down to paying for her drinks and dinner and this write-up on Gardeniaville.
I had to laugh because as we were walking out, a very humbled Jeff Park told me this was the first round of golf he had ever played with a woman. I said “Shake it off, and if anyone asks about it, don’t tell them you got destroyed by a woman, tell them you got beat by an Alsup.”
On #1 tee, Lien asked if we wanted to play skins. Jeff gives her a patronizing smile and says “sure darling, whatever you want.”
So Jeff and I spray a couple drives and Lien pipes one down the middle. Lien then pures a 3-wood and a wedge to birdie #1 and win a skin. Driving up to #2 tee box Jeff says to me, “I’m glad she won a skin early, that way she won’t get too discouraged when I whip her ass.”
The pin on #2 is back right on that little shelf. Jeff and I both hit the green but are nowhere near the hole. Lien steps up and promptly sticks it to 5 feet. At this point, I’m starting to sense what’s coming. I yell out to Lien, “For the record, I only have two dollars in my wallet.” Jeff says “I only have four dollars in my wallet, like it’s going to matter anyway.” Fortunately for us, Lien misses her putt and we tie the hole. We also tie #3 (after Lien hits a majestic 6 iron out of the fairway bunker to about 20 feet), and we tie #4, so #5 is worth 4 holes. I had a bad feeling about this hole because Lien had made it look so easy on the last par 5 we played. Sure enough… a striped driver, and 2 striped hybrids later, Lien is looking at a 3-footer for birdie. She cans it and Jeff and I are officially getting run-over.
At the end of the nine holes, Lien shoots 39 and wins 8 holes. Jeff plays well, shoots 38, and wins one hole. It doesn’t take long to do the math and figure out how many holes the Hobster won. A front nine 43 doesn’t go as far as it once did.
We play a couple emergency holes to try to soothe Jeff’s ego, but Lien won those holes also. Once in the clubhouse, we realized we never came up with a denomination of what each skin was worth. Jeff said they were worth $10, Lien said they were worth $1, and I said I wasn’t paying shit. We finally negotiated it down to paying for her drinks and dinner and this write-up on Gardeniaville.
I had to laugh because as we were walking out, a very humbled Jeff Park told me this was the first round of golf he had ever played with a woman. I said “Shake it off, and if anyone asks about it, don’t tell them you got destroyed by a woman, tell them you got beat by an Alsup.”
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Siver Wolf????
Hobie's Unofficial Bio is absurd. I am not sure whoever wrote this has ever even met Hobie, let alone a Gardeniaville member. Let me address a few issues with this piece.
1. "Silver Wolf"? Never in his life has Hobie been called this. "Silver Fox" has been used, but never a wolf. The author of this is a complete dolt.
2. "Hobster" is a true nickname. "Mop head" and "Dickhead"?... Seriously?... Couldn't come up with anything better than that? Incredibly uncreative.
3. There was some poor attempt (I think) to say that Hobie has a small member. Why would you even go there? That kind of shit was funny in the 4th grade, not anymore. And Hobie already implied that in my Bio. Unoriginal.
4. "A thief when he gets on the golf course"? Again, does this person even know Hobie. He hates to gamble, and when he does he caps his win/loss at $200. I have never met a person who hates to bet on the golf course more. Stupid.
5. The entire part about Hobie playing retarded kids on the playground for money, and having sex with his princiPAL's daughter was just weird. Not funny... weird.
6. HOORAY!!! Hobie did in fact go to Oklahoma State ,but the only woman who can out drink him is Mel. You got one right though. Maybe you did meet Hobie one time.
7. Hobie can putt, but that whole "Vietnamese whore" thing and "finding the hole deal" was not good.
8. What kind of person types anything under "Anonymous"? If you have something to say, at least have the sand to put your name to it.
Whoever wrote this is an imbecile. Think again before you ever post anything here again. You are embarrassing everyone in Gardeniaville.
1. "Silver Wolf"? Never in his life has Hobie been called this. "Silver Fox" has been used, but never a wolf. The author of this is a complete dolt.
2. "Hobster" is a true nickname. "Mop head" and "Dickhead"?... Seriously?... Couldn't come up with anything better than that? Incredibly uncreative.
3. There was some poor attempt (I think) to say that Hobie has a small member. Why would you even go there? That kind of shit was funny in the 4th grade, not anymore. And Hobie already implied that in my Bio. Unoriginal.
4. "A thief when he gets on the golf course"? Again, does this person even know Hobie. He hates to gamble, and when he does he caps his win/loss at $200. I have never met a person who hates to bet on the golf course more. Stupid.
5. The entire part about Hobie playing retarded kids on the playground for money, and having sex with his princiPAL's daughter was just weird. Not funny... weird.
6. HOORAY!!! Hobie did in fact go to Oklahoma State ,but the only woman who can out drink him is Mel. You got one right though. Maybe you did meet Hobie one time.
7. Hobie can putt, but that whole "Vietnamese whore" thing and "finding the hole deal" was not good.
8. What kind of person types anything under "Anonymous"? If you have something to say, at least have the sand to put your name to it.
Whoever wrote this is an imbecile. Think again before you ever post anything here again. You are embarrassing everyone in Gardeniaville.
Monday, May 24, 2010
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Tips get Torched
Above: That tiny figure 200 ft up the mountain is actually Haggard looking for his tee ball.With a soggy , debris filled, cart path only golf course ahead of us on Saturday there was only one logical set of tees to play from. That's right, tip it out boys! Everyone was pretty bummed out about the Stroke Play Club Championship being tornadoed out this weekend so we made a decision to play even if it meant driving away from the weather. A quick call from Hobie to Pepper Friday night at 10 pm settled it...Oakwood in Enid at 9am. It certainly seemed like a good idea at the time to everybody but Pepper. Fortunately for Pepper, when I showed up to Cedar at 6am to pick up the clubs they were open for play.
We threw the balls up to decide partners for a game of bridge. William and Haggards' balls must have some sort of magnets in them because they landed next to each other for the second week in a row. I actually think Haggard sits around in his living room practicing throwing golf balls up. Has anyone ever seen someone get the swing so many times? Hobie, KJ, and myself decide that with his double digit handicap KJ should captain our team. He is the best 10 in the country by the way.
William knocks his tee shot off of a house right on # 3 and lands it right in the middle of the fairway somehow. This was all of the omen we needed to never roll the drums for the entire day. William and Haggard got down somewhere along the way and got the points from 2 to 4 on KJ/Hob and then to 6 on KJ/Park. We certainly were not going to roll them the way Willy and Hag were striking it. At the turn William was 1 over, Hag 2 over, myself 3 over, KJ 4 over, and Hobie was playing with his nuts somewhere around 6 or 7 over.
We could never gain any ground on the back nine. William was still on fire and Haggard is the best golfer on the planet from 90 yards out of his own fairway. If he ever figures out his driver we are in big trouble. It is hard to time that swing wild ass swing up though! William rolled in a birdie on 18 to come in at 1 over. I don't care who you are, one over on that wet ass course from the tips is about as hard as finding a happy wife after an Emergency Nine. I finished with a 77 playing the par threes five over. Haggard shot a 78 from the wrong fairway. KJ played well enough in the middle of Hobie and I to keep us from losing a fortune. Hobie scraped around in the low-mid eighties with a far cry from his 'A' game.
With limited drum rolling nobody got hurt too bad. Although we would have loved to see Pepper D, it was a pretty damned good day in Gardeniaville.
Side bar: Apparently our boy Whitworth played a round with Tony Romo today. Thank God none of Whit's fraternity brothers were there. It would have been embarrassing when they started with Whit's flag football MVP stories. I can hear Hobie now, " Our boy Whitworth here took his team to the Championship game ten years in a row! What the hell is your problem Tony?"
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Sandbagger Title for Gardeniaville
Above: Stitt launches one towards water hazardThis Saturday was the annual Sandbagger tournament at at Cedar. The format was a pure scramble with handicaps. The sum of the four handicaps divided by four was the number of shots each team would get. Team Flegler/Walker/Haggard/Park won 1st place gross. There were a few points at stake after some side betting broke out. Gardeniaville residents Keith Stitt and Hobie Higgins teamed up with Pastor Bill Scheer and comedian/actor Rodney Carrington. The results were in fact comical. Park and Haggard wagered a few points with Stitt and Hobie. It was clear after a few holes that the only way for Stitt and Hobie to avoid surrendering points was for a rainstorm to wash out the tournament. No such luck. After a early clutch putts from Haggard and Walker and overall great ball striking from Flegler, Park was able to hole his approach shot for eagle on 18th ( 5th hole of the day). Haggard bombed a drive to 70 yards on and Park used skills learned at the Dave Pelz short game school to do the rest. They were able to carry this momentem for several holes giving themselves a lead that would be unable to squander.
Keith, Hobie, Bill and Rodney did play well enough to come in T4 in the Gross Division. They would have most likely contended for the title if not for two of their members having trouble getting to bed at a reasonable time Friday evening. Any guesses who those two may be?
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Kentucky Derby Saturday at Cedar
Does anybody want to get together on Saturday to watch the race? We are going to Cedar to watch in the bar. The race is scheduled for 5:25. Maybe Haggard and Keith will hit a big trifecta again. It will be good for the rest of Gardeniaville if they do. Any outside money they can win will surely find its way into the Gardeniaville economy through ill advised golf bets!
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
TSC Charity Golf Tournament
Yesterday was the annual Tulsa Sports Charity Golf Tournament. Gardeniaville was represented by Keith, Haggard, Walker and myself. Keith was kind enough to get our team entered in the tournament. In typical Keith style, he had our team pay almost double the normal entry fee to allow us access to the pre-tournament celebrity party. The problem was that nobody could attend this party due to prior engagements. However, since it was for charity I will let him off of the hook for this one.
The format for the tournament was a 6 man scramble with each team having a couple of famous former athletes on their team. We only had five people on our team, but we did get a couple of ex Oklahoma Sooner stars on our team...Paul Thompson and Chris Haggard. The only difference between Paul and Haggard was that Haggard had to pay to enter the tournament. I believe he only devalued about 20 pieces of OU memorabilia with his autograph before a tournament official asked him who the hell he was and if he would please stop signing shit.
The weather didn't cooperate for the first few holes and it was a cold and rainy start. Paul was probably wondering what in the hell he had gotten himself into. He was freezing his ass off out in the rain playing golf with the only team in the field that was actively rooting against one another. We decide to play a side game amongst the four of us. We left Paul out of this game because it was obvious that he was much more proficient at throwing a football than hitting a golf ball. The game was simple. The furthest away from the hole on each approach shot owed those closer to hole 20 points each. Well, as we all know nothing that Keith is involved in is ever simple. On the sixth hole par three I hit first to about twenty five feet. Keith followed my shot with a shank that seemed to be a lock for furthest from the hole. Walker steps up and hits a decent shot to the middle of the green. Haggard follows with a miserable chunked six iron that looks every bit as bad as Keith's shank. It was going to be close. After twenty five minutes of pacing each ball to hole, Keith is convinced that we are all taking baby steps to his ball while long striding the journey out to Haggard's ball. Out comes the range finder of course! After another ten minutes of dialing in the Bushnell the results finally came in. They were both exactly 41 yards from the hole! Keep in mind that the hole was only playing about 165 yards. It is pretty hard to miss a 165 yarder by 41 yards but these clowns did it for sure! I was there. Most people that hit such horrible shots would step up and show some balls and split the bill for the two balls that hit the green. Not the case here with Haggard and Stitt. They refused to pay on grounds that...well I am not sure what grounds they refused to pay but they didn't. Stitt then had the nerve to call me spineless on the next tee box. He is a very delusional man.
After this fiasco I am sure that Thompson is convinced that he got the unluckiest draw of any of the athletes. He was kicking himself for not winning the Heisman which would have allowed him to play with a better class of people. Do you think Jason White was having to deal with this shit? Seriously Paul is a great guy and it was a fun day for all. By the time we rolled around to the 15th hole he broke out the I-pod, hooked it to Keith's cart speaker, and we were teeing off while listening to Usher. Haggard bombed a drive and immediately bit his lower lip and started bobbing his head proclaiming that he "Felt like dancing!". I thought for a minute that we might have a reenactment of the scene in the movie Hitch where Will Smith is having to teach Kevin James how to dance. Somehow we got off the tee box with no further dancing, eliminating embarrassing the shit out of Paul by having four overweight middle aged white boys hip hop dancing around him on the 15th tee. It was a close call though!
By the time we rolled around to the last hole I was surprisingly down the most points at -140 The guys graciously accepted my press to 40 points on the final hole. Keith and Walker hit great shots to a few feet after Haggard chunked his shot into the creek (#3 was our finishing hole). All I had to do was advance the ball over the creek to avoid losing the hole. Chunk! Creek! We decide to re hit to determine the loser. Haggard hits to about 15 feet and I somehow lay one to about 6 avoiding total disaster.
Walker was the only winner of the four at +140. I lost the most at a smooth 100. Hag and Keith lost 20 each. Our team ended up in 3rd place.
It was a very fun tournament with lots of great food, drinks, and people. I believe they said that there were 7 former Heisman winners there. I encourage everybody to try to play next year. It was a good day!
The format for the tournament was a 6 man scramble with each team having a couple of famous former athletes on their team. We only had five people on our team, but we did get a couple of ex Oklahoma Sooner stars on our team...Paul Thompson and Chris Haggard. The only difference between Paul and Haggard was that Haggard had to pay to enter the tournament. I believe he only devalued about 20 pieces of OU memorabilia with his autograph before a tournament official asked him who the hell he was and if he would please stop signing shit.
The weather didn't cooperate for the first few holes and it was a cold and rainy start. Paul was probably wondering what in the hell he had gotten himself into. He was freezing his ass off out in the rain playing golf with the only team in the field that was actively rooting against one another. We decide to play a side game amongst the four of us. We left Paul out of this game because it was obvious that he was much more proficient at throwing a football than hitting a golf ball. The game was simple. The furthest away from the hole on each approach shot owed those closer to hole 20 points each. Well, as we all know nothing that Keith is involved in is ever simple. On the sixth hole par three I hit first to about twenty five feet. Keith followed my shot with a shank that seemed to be a lock for furthest from the hole. Walker steps up and hits a decent shot to the middle of the green. Haggard follows with a miserable chunked six iron that looks every bit as bad as Keith's shank. It was going to be close. After twenty five minutes of pacing each ball to hole, Keith is convinced that we are all taking baby steps to his ball while long striding the journey out to Haggard's ball. Out comes the range finder of course! After another ten minutes of dialing in the Bushnell the results finally came in. They were both exactly 41 yards from the hole! Keep in mind that the hole was only playing about 165 yards. It is pretty hard to miss a 165 yarder by 41 yards but these clowns did it for sure! I was there. Most people that hit such horrible shots would step up and show some balls and split the bill for the two balls that hit the green. Not the case here with Haggard and Stitt. They refused to pay on grounds that...well I am not sure what grounds they refused to pay but they didn't. Stitt then had the nerve to call me spineless on the next tee box. He is a very delusional man.
After this fiasco I am sure that Thompson is convinced that he got the unluckiest draw of any of the athletes. He was kicking himself for not winning the Heisman which would have allowed him to play with a better class of people. Do you think Jason White was having to deal with this shit? Seriously Paul is a great guy and it was a fun day for all. By the time we rolled around to the 15th hole he broke out the I-pod, hooked it to Keith's cart speaker, and we were teeing off while listening to Usher. Haggard bombed a drive and immediately bit his lower lip and started bobbing his head proclaiming that he "Felt like dancing!". I thought for a minute that we might have a reenactment of the scene in the movie Hitch where Will Smith is having to teach Kevin James how to dance. Somehow we got off the tee box with no further dancing, eliminating embarrassing the shit out of Paul by having four overweight middle aged white boys hip hop dancing around him on the 15th tee. It was a close call though!
By the time we rolled around to the last hole I was surprisingly down the most points at -140 The guys graciously accepted my press to 40 points on the final hole. Keith and Walker hit great shots to a few feet after Haggard chunked his shot into the creek (#3 was our finishing hole). All I had to do was advance the ball over the creek to avoid losing the hole. Chunk! Creek! We decide to re hit to determine the loser. Haggard hits to about 15 feet and I somehow lay one to about 6 avoiding total disaster.
Walker was the only winner of the four at +140. I lost the most at a smooth 100. Hag and Keith lost 20 each. Our team ended up in 3rd place.
It was a very fun tournament with lots of great food, drinks, and people. I believe they said that there were 7 former Heisman winners there. I encourage everybody to try to play next year. It was a good day!
Monday, April 19, 2010
William Loses Putter, Points, and Mind
Saturdays matchup between Buergler/ Hawk vs. Haggard/ Park was a fairly tame Vegas match considering the presence of Haggard. It basically worked out where he was up most of the round thus eliminating the every hole rolling of the drums. Buergler and Hawk had a little trouble feeling out who was supposes to be the "A" player in their group. Especially after William barely gets past the ladies tees on two and Hawk procceds to go fishing in Little Haikey. William makes a brilliant up and down to save par which would become the highlight of his round. Anybody who knows this game is very aware of the fact that it is much better to have your highlights on 16 or 17, not 2.
Williams putting became an issue early on and he would never get it together. After a three putt on eight, he actually lost control of one of his famous fake club tosses. The weather could have been an issue. William is not known for playing his best in anythng but warm and fast conditions.
Haggard and Park ham and egged it fairly well. They made 176 points in the match and earned another 100 points having the swing. Park did almost miss his tee shot on 16. The ball barely cleared the creek and did not make the ladies tees. It was a horrble driving day for him, but Haggard covered him well.
Hobie had to take a preround dump, thus putting him the group behind the Vegas game and saving him many points.
Williams putting became an issue early on and he would never get it together. After a three putt on eight, he actually lost control of one of his famous fake club tosses. The weather could have been an issue. William is not known for playing his best in anythng but warm and fast conditions.
Haggard and Park ham and egged it fairly well. They made 176 points in the match and earned another 100 points having the swing. Park did almost miss his tee shot on 16. The ball barely cleared the creek and did not make the ladies tees. It was a horrble driving day for him, but Haggard covered him well.
Hobie had to take a preround dump, thus putting him the group behind the Vegas game and saving him many points.
DAY ONE: THE NIGHT
Round 2 Recap will come later... Maybe. In the meantime the following account is the best I can do.
Time 8:00pm - 3:00am PST
After getting drilled for 18 holes at the Stadium Course by Park/Jennings, Keith and I were distraught. It is tough to lose to Jennings on any occasion, but it is made especially worse when you are verbally abused. Everyone knows the details by now, details would be redundant. What you can take away from this is how much more difficult it made a loss to him to handle.
I was sick, I had to drown my sorrows. I chose to do so with a couple double Goose and Sodas (maybe more than a couple). The group headed to Palmer's Restaurant. A putting green behind the bar made the 2 hour wait for a table seem like 5 minutes. In my drunken stupor I managed to win $100 in a putting contest from less drunk but still much worse golfers.
We sit down and enjoyed a wonderful dinner. William was canned. I mean canned. Not many people get to enjoy William as drunk as he was this night. Sipping vino, legs crossed, hair hanging over his eye, mustache in full force, and the patented, "I'm so much smarter (pretty sure I'm better) than you", smirk all over his face.
I thought I would take advantage of Will in his numbed state. Whit and I challenged Will/Green to $20 Vegas for the following morning. They accepted. I ordered Will several more glasses of the House Cab he was drinking. It backfired. He quit drinking which forced me to down about 2 bottles of some Greg Norman shit. It was good at 11pm, but not so good at 2am.
We stumbled out of the bar, and I remember nothing else until 2am. This is vague, but again to the best of my knowledge. Green gets woke out of bed because they are about to tow his car. It wakes me up too. Green gets up to move his car, I tell him he is a dumbshit and to keep it down. Next thing I know... PUKE! PUKE! and more PUKE! Did not make it to the bathroom, trashcan or even out of my bed. I puked Shitty Norman Cab/Arnie Filet all over the bed. Threw the sheets onto the front porch and went back to bed.
Proceeded to not break 90 the next day, and lost about 3000 points to anyone who was smart enough to bet me. The only good thing about that night was that William had to pick up the tab.
Time 8:00pm - 3:00am PST
After getting drilled for 18 holes at the Stadium Course by Park/Jennings, Keith and I were distraught. It is tough to lose to Jennings on any occasion, but it is made especially worse when you are verbally abused. Everyone knows the details by now, details would be redundant. What you can take away from this is how much more difficult it made a loss to him to handle.
I was sick, I had to drown my sorrows. I chose to do so with a couple double Goose and Sodas (maybe more than a couple). The group headed to Palmer's Restaurant. A putting green behind the bar made the 2 hour wait for a table seem like 5 minutes. In my drunken stupor I managed to win $100 in a putting contest from less drunk but still much worse golfers.
We sit down and enjoyed a wonderful dinner. William was canned. I mean canned. Not many people get to enjoy William as drunk as he was this night. Sipping vino, legs crossed, hair hanging over his eye, mustache in full force, and the patented, "I'm so much smarter (pretty sure I'm better) than you", smirk all over his face.
I thought I would take advantage of Will in his numbed state. Whit and I challenged Will/Green to $20 Vegas for the following morning. They accepted. I ordered Will several more glasses of the House Cab he was drinking. It backfired. He quit drinking which forced me to down about 2 bottles of some Greg Norman shit. It was good at 11pm, but not so good at 2am.
We stumbled out of the bar, and I remember nothing else until 2am. This is vague, but again to the best of my knowledge. Green gets woke out of bed because they are about to tow his car. It wakes me up too. Green gets up to move his car, I tell him he is a dumbshit and to keep it down. Next thing I know... PUKE! PUKE! and more PUKE! Did not make it to the bathroom, trashcan or even out of my bed. I puked Shitty Norman Cab/Arnie Filet all over the bed. Threw the sheets onto the front porch and went back to bed.
Proceeded to not break 90 the next day, and lost about 3000 points to anyone who was smart enough to bet me. The only good thing about that night was that William had to pick up the tab.
Green/Haggard v Park/Buergler: Round 1
The game was 2-4-6 Vegas with no cap. Haggard came out firing on all cylinders blowing his drive on #1 well right almost on #2 fairway. He then gets steep on a wedge, as if his swing allows for an alternative, and sticks it to 15 feet. He calmly drained it for birdie and proceeds to ride his partner's coattails for the remaining 17 holes. Green, proving that the shortest path to success in Gardeniaville is an unsubstantiated handicap, dissected the Nicklaus firing a 74 and was heard complaining of a bad back on the two mediocre shots he hit. Green and Haggard prevailed winning 220 points from Park and Buergler.
We are lacking round one update from Stitt, Gooch, Pepper, Whit.
We are lacking round one update from Stitt, Gooch, Pepper, Whit.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Gardeniaville Invitational Recap: Part One
Wow. That was a bender.
Before the trip began I had high hopes that I would post nightly updates from La Quinta. I planned on going back to my room after dinner and writing insightful, informative pieces about Gardeniaville’s first Major. I was thinking nightly interviews with the leaders discussing playing conditions, course layouts, weather, stimpmeter readings, ball striking, putting, etc… Maybe even some human interest stories highlighting the best that Gardeniaville participants have to offer. As it turns out, by the time dinner would end, most of the leaders could no longer talk, and I found myself urinating in community hot tubs.
For starters, La Quinta is a spectacular resort. Instead of normal hotel rooms, they have hundreds of adobe villas spread over 45 acres of spotlessly manicured grounds. The weather was perfect (mid 80’s with a gentle breeze) and unlike Alabama, we were very close to all of the golf courses.
Upon arrival on Wednesday, most of the Gardeniaville participants stretched their legs with a practice round at the La Quinta Dunes course. A few things became obvious right away and would fuel some spirited dinner conversation. #1) William is not a 6 handicap. He is at worst a two. #2) Mike Green is not a 3 handicap. He is at worst a scratch. #3) Whitworth is not a 6 handicap. He is at best a twelve.
Suffering from travel exhaustion, we all went to bed immediately following dinner. Two hours later Keith, my roommate, arrives at La Quinta and he is tanked. A few minutes later I find myself in a cab speeding towards “The Beer Hunter”, a local bar. Keith challenges everyone in the bar, to play any game in the bar, for any amount of money in the bar. Keith and I proceed to lose in pool, shuffle board, Hot Shot Basketball and even that game where you try to pick up stuffed animals with a crane. It was bad. Mercifully, the bar closes at 2:00 am and they kicked us out. We bum a ride back to the resort from a medicinal marijuana dealer, and 20 minutes later I finally get to sleep.
Round One: This is where it gets tricky. It has been a week and 500 beers since round one, and I can barely remember it. I know that Kilian and I were paired against Jennings and Joyce in a 2-4-6 Vegas game. Alan and I come out of the gates on fire. After Alan chips in on #5 for birdie (my nomination for shot of the trip) we are 3 under as a team and drilling the bad guys. Unfortunately, we went wheels off from that point and got smoked. KJ never missed another shot and Jennings was more than happy to sprinkle in a quota building birdie every few holes. Ultimately we received a mercy ruling on 18 to only lose 300 points apiece. Not off to a great start.
(I need someone from the other 2 groups to add some color on their rounds. Either email me or add to comments and I will get it posted for Part 2. Please write and email me anything you want included in the tournament recap. This will probably be a 3 or 4 part series )
Before the trip began I had high hopes that I would post nightly updates from La Quinta. I planned on going back to my room after dinner and writing insightful, informative pieces about Gardeniaville’s first Major. I was thinking nightly interviews with the leaders discussing playing conditions, course layouts, weather, stimpmeter readings, ball striking, putting, etc… Maybe even some human interest stories highlighting the best that Gardeniaville participants have to offer. As it turns out, by the time dinner would end, most of the leaders could no longer talk, and I found myself urinating in community hot tubs.
For starters, La Quinta is a spectacular resort. Instead of normal hotel rooms, they have hundreds of adobe villas spread over 45 acres of spotlessly manicured grounds. The weather was perfect (mid 80’s with a gentle breeze) and unlike Alabama, we were very close to all of the golf courses.
Upon arrival on Wednesday, most of the Gardeniaville participants stretched their legs with a practice round at the La Quinta Dunes course. A few things became obvious right away and would fuel some spirited dinner conversation. #1) William is not a 6 handicap. He is at worst a two. #2) Mike Green is not a 3 handicap. He is at worst a scratch. #3) Whitworth is not a 6 handicap. He is at best a twelve.
Suffering from travel exhaustion, we all went to bed immediately following dinner. Two hours later Keith, my roommate, arrives at La Quinta and he is tanked. A few minutes later I find myself in a cab speeding towards “The Beer Hunter”, a local bar. Keith challenges everyone in the bar, to play any game in the bar, for any amount of money in the bar. Keith and I proceed to lose in pool, shuffle board, Hot Shot Basketball and even that game where you try to pick up stuffed animals with a crane. It was bad. Mercifully, the bar closes at 2:00 am and they kicked us out. We bum a ride back to the resort from a medicinal marijuana dealer, and 20 minutes later I finally get to sleep.
Round One: This is where it gets tricky. It has been a week and 500 beers since round one, and I can barely remember it. I know that Kilian and I were paired against Jennings and Joyce in a 2-4-6 Vegas game. Alan and I come out of the gates on fire. After Alan chips in on #5 for birdie (my nomination for shot of the trip) we are 3 under as a team and drilling the bad guys. Unfortunately, we went wheels off from that point and got smoked. KJ never missed another shot and Jennings was more than happy to sprinkle in a quota building birdie every few holes. Ultimately we received a mercy ruling on 18 to only lose 300 points apiece. Not off to a great start.
(I need someone from the other 2 groups to add some color on their rounds. Either email me or add to comments and I will get it posted for Part 2. Please write and email me anything you want included in the tournament recap. This will probably be a 3 or 4 part series )
Friday, April 2, 2010
LAST MINUTE CHANGE
After much deliberation Buergler decides to forgo guys' golf trip and opts for trip to Vegas with the girls. The recent drama over the announced pairings convinced him that the odds of spending a fun and relaxing weekend with emotionally stable travelling companions are better with two pregnant and four menstruating women than eleven self-absorbed children. He apologizes for any inconveniences this causes with the pairings.
ODDS TO WIN THE 2010 GARDENIAVILLE DEBACLE IN THE DESERT
W. Beurgler 3/1
M. Green 5/1
J. Goodman 5/1
H. Higgins 8/1
J. Park 10/1
K. Joyce 10/1
D. Gooch 10/ 1
J. Whitworth 10/1
P. DeVaughn 10/1
C. Haggard 18/1
K. Stitt 25/1
A. Kilian 30/1
Above: A pre round shit talking maniac
M. Green 5/1
J. Goodman 5/1
H. Higgins 8/1
J. Park 10/1
K. Joyce 10/1
D. Gooch 10/ 1
J. Whitworth 10/1
P. DeVaughn 10/1
C. Haggard 18/1
K. Stitt 25/1
A. Kilian 30/1
Above: A pre round shit talking maniac
W.Beurgler: Returning champ still the one to beat. Although he has had his share of serious struggles this winter, you can count on him to be ready tourney time.
M. Green: Probably the best overall golfer in the field. Keeping it together for 6 rounds could be the only thing between him and the title.
J. Goodman: Always in contention. Pure grinder. Has had a bit of a layoff over the last couple years, but the word on the street is that he has been digging it out of the dirt on the range.
H. Higgins: Greatest amount of raw talent in the field. If Hobie gets hot he could win by a mile. Rooming situation could be a factor here though. Late nights with little sleep could be a factor in the late rounds.
J. Park: Coming off of a decent winter, he could be a contender. Might be worth the odds even though he turns into a total hack when the thermometer tops 45 F.
K. Joyce: Streaky golfer here. Wouldn't be surprised to see him creeping up the leader board late in the tourney. Possible hang up could be the built up tension and anxiety over the pairings. Will have to get over it to factor in this one.
D. Gooch: New to the field in 2010 could be a bit of a dark horse. Word has it that he is no stranger to side bets. This could pull him right up the leader board as the late round tension builds.
J. Whitworth: Could quietly run away with the tournament if he gets hot. A few early birdies could set the tone for a smooth ride to the winners circle. The low roper might not be the shot for these desert courses though.
P. DeVaughn: At 10/1 Pepper is probably the best long odd bet in the field. Solid all around player in general when he is not bouncing golf balls off of Hobies head. Must avoid a trip to the spirit world to contend this year.
C. Haggard: Normally right at the top of these tournaments, his game has gone south...way south. Could be fun to throw a dollar or two on this long shot, but definitely not worth any significantly money.
K.Stitt: Probably needs to search for some senior events. 108 holes in three days just to much for this old dog. Usually strong out of the gate, but due to conditioning, consumption, and a trick knee, it will be a success for him to just cross the finish line.
A.Kilian: Last year Alan was in contention the entire tourney, ending up in third place. It is tough to remain at the top when you all but quit the game to pursue killing animals however. Would be a Cinderella story though!
Thursday, April 1, 2010
Change in Pairings and Tee Times
Rounds 1-5 will not be changed. Round 6 will be the following:
Group 1:
#12, #11, #10, #9
Group 2:
#8, #7, #6, #5
Group 3:
#4, #3, #2, #1
This round will be seeded according to your place in the tournament after Round 5. Any other questions or concerns regarding the pairing sheets can be shoved right up your ass.
Group 1:
#12, #11, #10, #9
Group 2:
#8, #7, #6, #5
Group 3:
#4, #3, #2, #1
This round will be seeded according to your place in the tournament after Round 5. Any other questions or concerns regarding the pairing sheets can be shoved right up your ass.
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
The Game, Pairings and Tee Times
The Game: Quota System: 50% of Handicap with a 50% adjustment daily. $300 per man. $500 a day will be available each day for day money. 1st - $250 2nd - $150 3rd - $100. $2100 will be paid out for overall totals. Gardeniaville Champion - $1200 2nd Place - $550 3rd Place $350.
Pairings and Tee Times:
Round 1 PGA West Nicklaus
Group 1 8:15 Tee Time:
Hag, Green, Park, William
Group 2 8:24 Tee Time:
Hob, Joyce, Jennings, Kilian
Group 3 8:32 Tee Time:
Whit, Gooch, Pepper, Stitt
Round 2 PGA West Stadium
Group 1 1;45 Tee Time:
Hob, Whit, Pepper, William
Group 2 1:55 Tee Time:
Hag, Jennings, Stitt, Park
Group 2 2:05 Tee Time:
Green, Joyce, Kilian, Gooch
Round 3 La Quinta Dunes
Group 1 8:22 Tee Time:
Hag, Kilian, Pepper, William
Group 2 8:30 Tee Time:
Gooch, Jennings, Hob, Joyce
Group 3 8:30 Tee Time:
Stitt, Green, Park, Whit
Round 4 La Quinta Mountain
Group 1 2:22 Tee Time:
Hag, Whit, Jennings, Hob
Group 2 2:30 Tee Time:
Stitt, William, Green, Joyce
Group 3 2:28 Tee Time:
Park, Pepper, Gooch, Kilian
Round 5 PGA West Nicklaus
Group 1 8:22 Tee Time:
William, Kilian, Whit, Joyce
Group 2 8:30 Tee Time:
Gooch, Hob, Park, Pepper
Group 3 8:38 Tee Time:
Stitt, Jennings, Green, Haggard
Round 6 PGA West Staduim
Group 1 2:22 Tee Time:
Green, Joyce, Gooch, Kilian
Group 2 2:30 Tee Time:
Pepper, William, Jennings, Whit
Group 3 2:38 Tee Time
Hag, Stitt, Park, Hob
Pairings and Tee Times:
Round 1 PGA West Nicklaus
Group 1 8:15 Tee Time:
Hag, Green, Park, William
Group 2 8:24 Tee Time:
Hob, Joyce, Jennings, Kilian
Group 3 8:32 Tee Time:
Whit, Gooch, Pepper, Stitt
Round 2 PGA West Stadium
Group 1 1;45 Tee Time:
Hob, Whit, Pepper, William
Group 2 1:55 Tee Time:
Hag, Jennings, Stitt, Park
Group 2 2:05 Tee Time:
Green, Joyce, Kilian, Gooch
Round 3 La Quinta Dunes
Group 1 8:22 Tee Time:
Hag, Kilian, Pepper, William
Group 2 8:30 Tee Time:
Gooch, Jennings, Hob, Joyce
Group 3 8:30 Tee Time:
Stitt, Green, Park, Whit
Round 4 La Quinta Mountain
Group 1 2:22 Tee Time:
Hag, Whit, Jennings, Hob
Group 2 2:30 Tee Time:
Stitt, William, Green, Joyce
Group 3 2:28 Tee Time:
Park, Pepper, Gooch, Kilian
Round 5 PGA West Nicklaus
Group 1 8:22 Tee Time:
William, Kilian, Whit, Joyce
Group 2 8:30 Tee Time:
Gooch, Hob, Park, Pepper
Group 3 8:38 Tee Time:
Stitt, Jennings, Green, Haggard
Round 6 PGA West Staduim
Group 1 2:22 Tee Time:
Green, Joyce, Gooch, Kilian
Group 2 2:30 Tee Time:
Pepper, William, Jennings, Whit
Group 3 2:38 Tee Time
Hag, Stitt, Park, Hob
Monday, March 29, 2010
Off the Snide!!!!
The wind was howling, it was evident that the good ball strikers had the advantage on this day. No need to throw the balls up, it was Park/Haggard vs. KJ/Walker. William decided to spectate for 4 holes before Christie called him home to take care of McCloud. Her sickness probably saved him a minimum of $120 in nassaus.
Park has put a bullseye on KJ's back, and today was going to be a day of retribution. Before the first ball was hit on #1 KJ reminded Park of how many points he had taken from Jeff recently. Some of you know about the "Old Park" that I speak of... KJ brought my man back to life for at least 4 hours that day. This also would not be the first of KJ's absurd actions during this round.
On #13 KJ apparently thought he pured a 3 iron from 223. The ball was on a beautiful line, never leaving the flagstick, half way there KJ started walking off the tee. This was reminiscent of the, now infamous, Jenning's " In your fu**ing face" moment. Only difference was Jennings shot was good, KJ's flag seeker ended about 50 yards short of the green. He proceeded to make 5.
Park played well all day, he managed to shoot 80 in the wind with a 7 on 8 (I made a 20ft from off the green for par), a 6 on 11 ( I made a 15ft putt for par from the other side of the creek too), and a 7 on 17. This is where the story begins.
Vegas is worth 40 points per point!! Park/Haggard are up about 2000 points, a number that can easily be flip flopped. Park (always the clutch player) blows his tee ball out of bound right. I (scared of following him, and not able to get that ugly ass swing out of my mind) pull a 3 iron left. It clips the tree left and winds up about 235 from the flag in the left rough. KJ/Walker pipe two balls down the middle. Down wind, on a downhill lie in the rough, with a tree making a hook necessary I pull out a 4 iron knowing I must par. I hit what was probably the best shot that KJ, Walker and Park have ever seen. It landed in the middle of the green, and rolled through into the valley of death. Phil might get this up and down 1 in 10 times, I hit it to 15 ft. KJ makes 5/4 Walker beats Jeff with a 6. To add pressure Buddy Phillips decided to walk out onto 17 green to see what was going on. Downhill, left to right slider with Buddy Phillip over your shoulder for about $1600... DRANO.
KJ/Walker had no chance on this day. Every squirrel finds a nut I guess, but I feel the tides turning. Park 80, Haggard 82, KJ 87 and Walker 89. It was a day for the ball strikers.
Park has put a bullseye on KJ's back, and today was going to be a day of retribution. Before the first ball was hit on #1 KJ reminded Park of how many points he had taken from Jeff recently. Some of you know about the "Old Park" that I speak of... KJ brought my man back to life for at least 4 hours that day. This also would not be the first of KJ's absurd actions during this round.
On #13 KJ apparently thought he pured a 3 iron from 223. The ball was on a beautiful line, never leaving the flagstick, half way there KJ started walking off the tee. This was reminiscent of the, now infamous, Jenning's " In your fu**ing face" moment. Only difference was Jennings shot was good, KJ's flag seeker ended about 50 yards short of the green. He proceeded to make 5.
Park played well all day, he managed to shoot 80 in the wind with a 7 on 8 (I made a 20ft from off the green for par), a 6 on 11 ( I made a 15ft putt for par from the other side of the creek too), and a 7 on 17. This is where the story begins.
Vegas is worth 40 points per point!! Park/Haggard are up about 2000 points, a number that can easily be flip flopped. Park (always the clutch player) blows his tee ball out of bound right. I (scared of following him, and not able to get that ugly ass swing out of my mind) pull a 3 iron left. It clips the tree left and winds up about 235 from the flag in the left rough. KJ/Walker pipe two balls down the middle. Down wind, on a downhill lie in the rough, with a tree making a hook necessary I pull out a 4 iron knowing I must par. I hit what was probably the best shot that KJ, Walker and Park have ever seen. It landed in the middle of the green, and rolled through into the valley of death. Phil might get this up and down 1 in 10 times, I hit it to 15 ft. KJ makes 5/4 Walker beats Jeff with a 6. To add pressure Buddy Phillips decided to walk out onto 17 green to see what was going on. Downhill, left to right slider with Buddy Phillip over your shoulder for about $1600... DRANO.
KJ/Walker had no chance on this day. Every squirrel finds a nut I guess, but I feel the tides turning. Park 80, Haggard 82, KJ 87 and Walker 89. It was a day for the ball strikers.
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Buergler is Back!
It comes as no surprise to any resident of Gardiniaville, but our boy William is back. This will absolutely be the last year that we are all duped by the winter slump. Who hasn't become accustom to the mini temper tantrums following Big Willy Styles latest cold weathered snap hook? Apparently when you become partner you automatically quit worrying about money games. Instead, you tank every midwinter partner that you have en route to a nice spring handi. This all comes to light as Mr. Big Willy Style throws a tidy 76 at the Field in the Gardeniaville spring social mixer. When the first hint of competitive golf shows Buergler is there.
Gardeniaville showed up strong at the opening event of the season. Actually the only resident not present was the Hobester (aka The Mayor). With his game in shambles, The Mayor headed south for some resurrection. Hobie headed to Austin, TX. this weekend. Although there was a tourney going on in Gardeniaville (he is the self imposed Mayor of the town), he went on a search for the truth. Unfortunately, to Hobes surprise, the great teacher Mr. Harvey Penick passed 15 years ago. Upon hearing this news Hobie immediately asked for Helen Penick, thinking that maybe some of the great teachers instruction may have been passed on through his lovely wife. No such luck. Mrs. Penick passed in 2006 at 101 years of age. (Note to all the wives of Gardeniaville: Being married to a golfing man = years a vitality) Not knowing were to turn , Hobie went straight to the Callaway Tech Barn in an effort to buy a new game. Result of this pilgrimage to come.
Straight from our local rag The Tulsa World: (Gardeniaville residents shown)
5th Place: Willam (SB) Buergler, Doug Allert, Dan (my wife can play) Beiseigel, Dan Fulps.
6th Place: Tim ( I just became a father 6 hours ago) Mason. Bill Butts, Danny Funk, Russel Gibbs,
9th Place: Kevin Joyce, Bob Acklin, Bob Van New Kirk, Rick Funk
11 Place: Keith ( I take credit for my partners successes) Stitt(87) , The Great Doctor Jimmy Coder, Bill Condrin, Javier Gamarra.
Congrats to all of those top finishers!
Those who played but did not waste World Publishing's ink: Jeff Park, Chris Haggard,and Sweet Swinging Justin Walker. Apparently. these fine gents can only play if their mortgage payment is on the line. Or, in Parks (my) case, it is below 20 F.
9 days to the Palm Desert Debacle!!!!!!
Gardeniaville showed up strong at the opening event of the season. Actually the only resident not present was the Hobester (aka The Mayor). With his game in shambles, The Mayor headed south for some resurrection. Hobie headed to Austin, TX. this weekend. Although there was a tourney going on in Gardeniaville (he is the self imposed Mayor of the town), he went on a search for the truth. Unfortunately, to Hobes surprise, the great teacher Mr. Harvey Penick passed 15 years ago. Upon hearing this news Hobie immediately asked for Helen Penick, thinking that maybe some of the great teachers instruction may have been passed on through his lovely wife. No such luck. Mrs. Penick passed in 2006 at 101 years of age. (Note to all the wives of Gardeniaville: Being married to a golfing man = years a vitality) Not knowing were to turn , Hobie went straight to the Callaway Tech Barn in an effort to buy a new game. Result of this pilgrimage to come.
Straight from our local rag The Tulsa World: (Gardeniaville residents shown)
5th Place: Willam (SB) Buergler, Doug Allert, Dan (my wife can play) Beiseigel, Dan Fulps.
6th Place: Tim ( I just became a father 6 hours ago) Mason. Bill Butts, Danny Funk, Russel Gibbs,
9th Place: Kevin Joyce, Bob Acklin, Bob Van New Kirk, Rick Funk
11 Place: Keith ( I take credit for my partners successes) Stitt(87) , The Great Doctor Jimmy Coder, Bill Condrin, Javier Gamarra.
Congrats to all of those top finishers!
Those who played but did not waste World Publishing's ink: Jeff Park, Chris Haggard,and Sweet Swinging Justin Walker. Apparently. these fine gents can only play if their mortgage payment is on the line. Or, in Parks (my) case, it is below 20 F.
9 days to the Palm Desert Debacle!!!!!!
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
THE REAL STORY
OK assbites. Here is the real deal. I don't have panties and even if I did I would never wad them and throw them at anyone. That is just Hobie's cute little way of saying that I was irrirated by the fact that I am surrounded by idiots that refuse to show up to anything on time. I left at 11:45 am CST. I did not storm out. I left before either of them got there. I know that on most days everybodys time is much more valuable than mine. This stems from their inability to delegate due to huge doses of self importance. However, on this day I had early afternoon meetings. I think the real issue here is that their mommies have been telling them their entire lives how they are "special". This becomes a problem only when they actually start believing it! When you make someone wait on you it is generally a form of power that you try to gain over them. "I am more important than you so if you want to interact with me you are going to have to wait". This seems to be the mindset of those who are habitually late. It may also be that they have the mindsets of little children as well. We are all grown ass men though and it is time to start being punctual!
It is unfortunate that I can't play a onesome in Palm Desert. I would actually get to tee off on time and possibly even get both rounds in. It would certaintly be more enjoyable.
And another thing. If anybody is waiting for an apology from my panty wadding whiney ass, you will be waiting for a very long long time. What the hell would I even apologize for? Sorry that you two idiots were 15 minutes late and I had to leave to make a meeting???? I don't think so!
What time is lunch????
It is unfortunate that I can't play a onesome in Palm Desert. I would actually get to tee off on time and possibly even get both rounds in. It would certaintly be more enjoyable.
And another thing. If anybody is waiting for an apology from my panty wadding whiney ass, you will be waiting for a very long long time. What the hell would I even apologize for? Sorry that you two idiots were 15 minutes late and I had to leave to make a meeting???? I don't think so!
What time is lunch????
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Jeff throws wadded panties at Keith and Haggard
The Gardeniaville Invitational pairings luncheon was scheduled for 11:30 today at In the Raw South. This is the much anticipated meeting of the minds to determine foursomes and playing partners for each of the six rounds. Keith and Haggard are co-heads of the committee every year and this year they threw Jeff a bone and allowed him to participate. What happened?
Well, shockingly, Keith and Haggard showed up at 11:37 (7 minutes late), so Jeff told them that since clearly his time wasn’t as valuable as theirs, he was leaving. And then he stormed out of the restaurant told them to go screw themselves and drove off. Despite numerous calls to apologize for their tardiness, Jeff refused to answer his phone or forgive Keith and Haggard.
Keith and Haggard tried to forge on without Jeff, but found it impossible to continue. It seems neither of them wanted to play with Jeff’s whiney ass, and they felt bad about pairing his whiney ass with anyone else. Since La Quinta won’t allow 2 foursomes, 1 threesome and 1 onesome they decided to postpone the pairings luncheon until after Jeff issues a public Gardeniaville apology to both of them.
Well, shockingly, Keith and Haggard showed up at 11:37 (7 minutes late), so Jeff told them that since clearly his time wasn’t as valuable as theirs, he was leaving. And then he stormed out of the restaurant told them to go screw themselves and drove off. Despite numerous calls to apologize for their tardiness, Jeff refused to answer his phone or forgive Keith and Haggard.
Keith and Haggard tried to forge on without Jeff, but found it impossible to continue. It seems neither of them wanted to play with Jeff’s whiney ass, and they felt bad about pairing his whiney ass with anyone else. Since La Quinta won’t allow 2 foursomes, 1 threesome and 1 onesome they decided to postpone the pairings luncheon until after Jeff issues a public Gardeniaville apology to both of them.
Friday, March 19, 2010
Nice day for Golf!!!
Enjoy the day! I guess the forecast looks horrible for the weekend. Maybe snow! Unbelievable! I am pissed that I can't make it today. You guys should be happy, it will save you some$$$$. Be nice to William today and let him win once. He is going to lose it soon if he doesn't!
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Cystic Fibrosis Foundation Golf Tourny
Time to give back boys!
Cedar Ridge , May 10th, 2010
Four man teams
"Golf Sponsor" : $1,500.00
(4) players and Hole sign
Names in Tulsa People (lifelong goal of mine)
Awards party
Before William starts his arithmetic I will help out....$375.00 per man.
They just sent a letter about this today. I think we can play with out being a "golf sponsor" but I don't know what that cost yet.
Let's put a team or two in this. Gardeniaville MUST be an charitable society!!!!!
Hobie, Can you start a money raised column next to our points chart?
Cedar Ridge , May 10th, 2010
Four man teams
"Golf Sponsor" : $1,500.00
(4) players and Hole sign
Names in Tulsa People (lifelong goal of mine)
Awards party
Before William starts his arithmetic I will help out....$375.00 per man.
They just sent a letter about this today. I think we can play with out being a "golf sponsor" but I don't know what that cost yet.
Let's put a team or two in this. Gardeniaville MUST be an charitable society!!!!!
Hobie, Can you start a money raised column next to our points chart?
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Who authored Haggard's profile?
The structure and syntax smell of Hobie but the profanity reeks of Park.
Monday, March 8, 2010
Sorry State of Affairs
How in the hell does Buddy allow this to happen at his place? It sounds like Haggard's infectious play is spreading. What a friend. I can't wait to see how PGA West treats him. See you there.
IYFF,
Jennings
IYFF,
Jennings
Saturday, March 6, 2010
Gardeniavilles' Front 9 Rendered Irrelevant
With the 3.2% beer flowing early and often, things got very strange again in Gardeniaville. For the second straight match it took a front side score in the 50's to secure victory. It is quickly becoming apparent that it is not necessary to play golf or anything resembling golf in the first 12 holes to secure Gardeniaville points. Haggard turned this theory into law this morning with an opening 9 hole score of 56. I know, I know, many of you out there following gardeniaville.com are asking, "How in the hell does a grown man shoot a 56 on 9 holes?" Well, the path to 20 over through nine is a straight one my freinds. You drive straight to the range for a Saturday morning pre-round lesson.
A favorable forecast brought 10 out to play this morning. When the balls dropped Hobie and Mir were the swingers and they settled on a $5 nassau. The groups broke down into fivesomes with Mir, Hobie, Alsup, William and Blake in one and Walker, Park, Haggard, Hawk and Danny in the other.
Coming off a total beat down on Thursday, Haggard was eager to earn back some points from Walker. Haggard and his guest, Rob Hawk challenged Park and Walker to a freindly game of Vegas that would quickly rise to 60 uhhh...points per point. This certaintly appears to be a trend. With Haggard having some trouble finding his swing plane, Hawk learned early that he would need to make a lot of pars today or face certain finacial crisis. Walker and Park played fairly solid golf early on and basically just tried to stay out of the way of the imploding Haggard. At 11 over through 5, Haggard seemed confident walking to the box on 6. Disaster struck! With 5 balls in the drink for team Haggard/Hawk resulting in a 9 and 5 it seemed that the fatal blow of this day was struck early. At 17 over through 6, Haggard was able to limp in with bogeys on 7, 8, and 9 but the first 6 holes left his ProV1 stock dangerously low and he was required to reload at the turn.
With the next few holes fairly uneventful, the shot of the day came on fourteen. When Walker hit his tee shot straight down the middle he surely had no idea that his layup was to become the shot of the round. With around 260 out and his cell phone buzzing, he decides to lay a 3 wood somewhere down close to the green. His wife is calling to inform him that his ex girlfriend from about 7 years ago has shown up at the front door urgently asking to see him. Walker is a smart man and knows that nothing good can come of this. As I am silently calculating 7 years of back child support in my mind he takes a smooth swing and hits a perfect layup to about 50 yards. While a decent shot, this would never usually get the shot of the day award, but come on, the guy had some serious Jerry Springer shit going down on the front porch of his mansion.
Unfortunatley for Walker his luck on the course had turned. With Haggard pressing like he owned an oil company instead of a gas pump repair shop, Walker finally was defeated after a nice birdie on 17 by Haggard. Unfortunatly for Hawk, he did not reap the rewards of Haggards 1000 point two down, add a 0 when you are pissed, side game that he had with Walker. He was defeated by Park as he could not press enough to overcome the disasterous front side of his partner.
When the smoke cleared, Haggard hade somehow cleared around 300 points from Walker and Hawk handed Park around 300. Park also grabbed 30 points back form Hobie in a nassau. William remained winless for the winter granting 40 points to Park. With April fast approaching it won't be long before William becomes a regular in the winners circle.
Hobie and Mir has a solid outing in the swing. Hobie was a gentlemen letting Haggard out of the swing game after the sixth hole proclaiming" He doesn't have any business on this golf course, much less in a swing game. Hobie and Mir won easily and Danny played brilliantly as usual.
A favorable forecast brought 10 out to play this morning. When the balls dropped Hobie and Mir were the swingers and they settled on a $5 nassau. The groups broke down into fivesomes with Mir, Hobie, Alsup, William and Blake in one and Walker, Park, Haggard, Hawk and Danny in the other.
Coming off a total beat down on Thursday, Haggard was eager to earn back some points from Walker. Haggard and his guest, Rob Hawk challenged Park and Walker to a freindly game of Vegas that would quickly rise to 60 uhhh...points per point. This certaintly appears to be a trend. With Haggard having some trouble finding his swing plane, Hawk learned early that he would need to make a lot of pars today or face certain finacial crisis. Walker and Park played fairly solid golf early on and basically just tried to stay out of the way of the imploding Haggard. At 11 over through 5, Haggard seemed confident walking to the box on 6. Disaster struck! With 5 balls in the drink for team Haggard/Hawk resulting in a 9 and 5 it seemed that the fatal blow of this day was struck early. At 17 over through 6, Haggard was able to limp in with bogeys on 7, 8, and 9 but the first 6 holes left his ProV1 stock dangerously low and he was required to reload at the turn.
With the next few holes fairly uneventful, the shot of the day came on fourteen. When Walker hit his tee shot straight down the middle he surely had no idea that his layup was to become the shot of the round. With around 260 out and his cell phone buzzing, he decides to lay a 3 wood somewhere down close to the green. His wife is calling to inform him that his ex girlfriend from about 7 years ago has shown up at the front door urgently asking to see him. Walker is a smart man and knows that nothing good can come of this. As I am silently calculating 7 years of back child support in my mind he takes a smooth swing and hits a perfect layup to about 50 yards. While a decent shot, this would never usually get the shot of the day award, but come on, the guy had some serious Jerry Springer shit going down on the front porch of his mansion.
Unfortunatley for Walker his luck on the course had turned. With Haggard pressing like he owned an oil company instead of a gas pump repair shop, Walker finally was defeated after a nice birdie on 17 by Haggard. Unfortunatly for Hawk, he did not reap the rewards of Haggards 1000 point two down, add a 0 when you are pissed, side game that he had with Walker. He was defeated by Park as he could not press enough to overcome the disasterous front side of his partner.
When the smoke cleared, Haggard hade somehow cleared around 300 points from Walker and Hawk handed Park around 300. Park also grabbed 30 points back form Hobie in a nassau. William remained winless for the winter granting 40 points to Park. With April fast approaching it won't be long before William becomes a regular in the winners circle.
Hobie and Mir has a solid outing in the swing. Hobie was a gentlemen letting Haggard out of the swing game after the sixth hole proclaiming" He doesn't have any business on this golf course, much less in a swing game. Hobie and Mir won easily and Danny played brilliantly as usual.
Friday, March 5, 2010
Saturday morning 9
Looks like we have 6 Park, Hag + guest, (If Hobie invites the 6th guy he is a hippy, game screwing, tree hugging, asshole from Switzerland. Since it is Hag though we are all astonished that he actually has other freinds and we applaud his inclusionaryism) Will, Hobie, and Walker. Walker might try to see if his bro can make it. He is obviosly a good brother who is looking out for his families fortune. He knows that therea rea couple of ATM machines in Gardeniaville that dispense cash without even asking for a pin number. It is a sign that this shit is getting away from us when I am already getting nervous about a golf game 16 hours before we go!
Justin Shoots Front Nine 50, Still Victorious
On Thursday, Mother Nature granted the restless Gardeniaville natives a reprieve, and wouldn’t you know it, a high stakes Vegas game broke out. The formidable team of Justin Walker and Kevin Joyce took on Chris Haggard and Jeff Park. Playing the ball down, Kevin Joyce birdied #1 and then told everyone to go F themselves. Haggard rolled in a 10 ft birdie putt of his own and the match was underway.
This well-played match made it all the way to the 8th hole before fireworks erupted. With the point total multiplier having been pressed to 14, Justin Walker chose an in-opportune time for a complete melt down. Tee shot found the left hazard, drop, third shot finds a tree root, left-handed attempt fails to move ball, takes unplayable drop, bladed over the green in six, chili-dipped to fringe in seven and three putts for a 10. Against a pair of 4’s from Haggard and Park, this hole yields a disastrous multiplier of 61 (meaning a total of 854 points) When Justin sees KJ’s disgusted look, he yell’s “Don’t put this on me, you should have made par.” The front nine ends and Haggard shoots a remarkable 36, which is 14 shots better than Justin’s total of 50. Jeff and KJ both carded something in the low 40’s.
Facing a sizable deficit, KJ and Walker finally see an opening on #11. Jeff flares one right, but stays short of the creek leaving him about 130 out. He then blades his next shot about 190 yards into the hazard over the green. A drop, 2 chips and 2 putts later equals 7. No big deal though because Haggard’s tee shot left him middle of the fairway, 105 yards out. Unfortunately his earth-first contact leaves him woefully short and in the front left bunker. Mindful of Jeff’s shenanigans on the hole, Haggard needs to get up and down for par to save the team. Instead, he flubs one out short and four putts for a Jeff tying 7. Routine pars by both KJ and Walker means a game-changing 660 points.
Hole #14 provided more drama as Haggard hit his second shot Oscar which led to a 7. Park three-jacks for a 6 and they lose another 600 points. They have officially lost their lead and their confidence. After trading pars on #15, the teams head to the tough 16th. Walker and KJ both hit good drives and solid approaches virtually securing par. Haggard is short on his approach, leaving a tough up and down to a back right pin. Needing a good shot from Jeff, Haggard uses the range finder to give Jeff an exact yardage of 168 yards. Jeff pures a six iron exactly 168 yards and finds himself 30 yards short of the green. Apparently Haggard is too stupid to use the range finder and Jeff is too stupid to know the difference. Jeff makes 7, Haggard makes 6, and they lose another 800 points.
With blood in the water, and despite Jeff shadow dancing in his line, Walker cans a 40 footer for birdie on #17. Only a clutch five footer for par out of Jeff, keeps them from dropping more than 300 points.
On #18, and on tilt, Haggard and Park press it up. Jeff hits his drive into the bunker, but Haggard is down the middle. Walker is on cruise control, and hits one in the fairway, 40 yards by everyone. Haggard hits on left, Jeff hits one right and both are left with terribly difficult flop shots to a front pin. Meanwhile KJ and Walker hit their approaches short but Walker wields his magical putter and puts it to gimme range. Park almost pulls off the miracle, but his flopper catches the lip of the bunker and ultimately earns himself a double bogey. Haggard hits a great shot and leaves himself a nine foot, downhill slider to tie the hole. Nope. It was not to be. Walker and KJ win another 1000 points. On the strength of their performance they have taken the early lead in Gardeniaville Cup points.
This well-played match made it all the way to the 8th hole before fireworks erupted. With the point total multiplier having been pressed to 14, Justin Walker chose an in-opportune time for a complete melt down. Tee shot found the left hazard, drop, third shot finds a tree root, left-handed attempt fails to move ball, takes unplayable drop, bladed over the green in six, chili-dipped to fringe in seven and three putts for a 10. Against a pair of 4’s from Haggard and Park, this hole yields a disastrous multiplier of 61 (meaning a total of 854 points) When Justin sees KJ’s disgusted look, he yell’s “Don’t put this on me, you should have made par.” The front nine ends and Haggard shoots a remarkable 36, which is 14 shots better than Justin’s total of 50. Jeff and KJ both carded something in the low 40’s.
Facing a sizable deficit, KJ and Walker finally see an opening on #11. Jeff flares one right, but stays short of the creek leaving him about 130 out. He then blades his next shot about 190 yards into the hazard over the green. A drop, 2 chips and 2 putts later equals 7. No big deal though because Haggard’s tee shot left him middle of the fairway, 105 yards out. Unfortunately his earth-first contact leaves him woefully short and in the front left bunker. Mindful of Jeff’s shenanigans on the hole, Haggard needs to get up and down for par to save the team. Instead, he flubs one out short and four putts for a Jeff tying 7. Routine pars by both KJ and Walker means a game-changing 660 points.
Hole #14 provided more drama as Haggard hit his second shot Oscar which led to a 7. Park three-jacks for a 6 and they lose another 600 points. They have officially lost their lead and their confidence. After trading pars on #15, the teams head to the tough 16th. Walker and KJ both hit good drives and solid approaches virtually securing par. Haggard is short on his approach, leaving a tough up and down to a back right pin. Needing a good shot from Jeff, Haggard uses the range finder to give Jeff an exact yardage of 168 yards. Jeff pures a six iron exactly 168 yards and finds himself 30 yards short of the green. Apparently Haggard is too stupid to use the range finder and Jeff is too stupid to know the difference. Jeff makes 7, Haggard makes 6, and they lose another 800 points.
With blood in the water, and despite Jeff shadow dancing in his line, Walker cans a 40 footer for birdie on #17. Only a clutch five footer for par out of Jeff, keeps them from dropping more than 300 points.
On #18, and on tilt, Haggard and Park press it up. Jeff hits his drive into the bunker, but Haggard is down the middle. Walker is on cruise control, and hits one in the fairway, 40 yards by everyone. Haggard hits on left, Jeff hits one right and both are left with terribly difficult flop shots to a front pin. Meanwhile KJ and Walker hit their approaches short but Walker wields his magical putter and puts it to gimme range. Park almost pulls off the miracle, but his flopper catches the lip of the bunker and ultimately earns himself a double bogey. Haggard hits a great shot and leaves himself a nine foot, downhill slider to tie the hole. Nope. It was not to be. Walker and KJ win another 1000 points. On the strength of their performance they have taken the early lead in Gardeniaville Cup points.
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Winter Golf Explained by KJ
You portray me as a golf cheat. Winter Rules Golf is designed to allow a golfer to obtain a better lie in regions of the country where the grass does not grow in the winter. The intent of the rule is to keep handicaps honest, and yes, many people consider playing it down in the winter a way of padding your handicap so it is higher than it should be once the grass comes in.
Click Here
Click Here
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
rain delay my ass
I am the king of the horse race bitches! I don't think that I have ever lost one. Nerves of steel is the key men! Tourettes my cock.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
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