Chris Haggard wasn’t so much born as he was exiled from his mother’s womb because she couldn’t take his shit any longer. Instead of trying to change, Chris would learn to embrace his repellant personality. Chris grew up in Tulsa, and attended Jenks High School where he focused his energy on baseball. Like everyone else that has a rocket arm, small pecker and can’t find the corners, Chris became a catcher.
Cashing in on every young man’s dream, Chris received a full-ride baseball scholarship to Oklahoma State University. Eventually his bad attitude and his lack of talent would force him out of Stillwater and into the waiting arms of the Sooner Nation. Suffering from a lack of playing time and an inability to hit the fastball, curveball, change-up, or slider, Haggard’s baseball career ended…right? Well actually, as anyone who has spoken to Chris for more than two minutes can tell you, he was drafted in the 89th round, given a bus ticket and a log of Copenhagen as a signing bonus and told to report to the Brewers. One year later, his Copenhagen nest egg was gone and he was out of baseball. Having no friends, no money and no options, Chris returned to Tulsa.
Since the job market was slow for bitter, ex-jock, dick heads, Chris was compelled to join the family business, MidSouth Petroleum. Relying on his OU education, Chris became MidSouth’s best gas pumper/repairman. With his career on stable footing, it was time to trick some poor girl into marrying him. So one Sunday, Chris put on a collared shirt and a fake smile and drove himself to Guts Church. When Tennyson, an ORU grad, saw a clean-shaven, hand-raising Chris Haggard on the front row, it was love at first sight. They got married the following weekend. The ruse complete, Haggard immediately resumed being a harry prick. He then started impregnating Tennyson at an alarming clip.
Chris has been a member of Gardeniaville Country Club for many years. He is known for his prodigious length off the tee and his atrocious wedge play. He can occasionally get it going and during a hot streak last year, he played in the USGA Mid-Amateur and didn't embarrass himself. He also partnered with Justin Walker to win the Four-Ball Major. Nowadays, even those recent successes seem like a distant memory as Chris hasn’t broken 90 since November. During this streak, Haggard has wiped out the expendable income of William, Hobie, Park, Keith, and anyone else unlucky enough to be partnered with him. When not preparing for thousand dollar one-downs, with a pre-round Tracy lesson, Haggard can be found talking down to people on his cell phone or belittling Gardeniaville’s staff.
