Either because of laziness or a lack of originality, most Gardeniaville profiles are written chronologically beginning with birth. It’s a simple formula right? Well…I’ve encountered a problem. Very little is known about Justin Walker’s birth or childhood. In fact, through my research, I couldn’t find one source that could verify that Justin even had a childhood. Some said he isn’t human at all. That got me thinking, so instead of a profile, this is an expose’.
First of all, I have never seen a childhood photo of Justin and believe me, I have looked. A few weeks ago, during his cook-out mixer, I tore Justin’s house apart trying to find proof of vaginal birth and all I found was one photo-shopped picture of a slightly thinner, less receded, much tanner version of himself sitting on the beach drinking a Coors Light. I did find one baby picture, but upon closer review, I realized it was the same prop-toddler the Mathis Brother’s use in all their commercials. Weird, right? Also, while snooping around the Walker Mansion I did find enough electronics to orbit a space shuttle. When I confronted Justin about it, he claimed it was for his Apple T.V…. huh? And, why did it take 2 and a half years to build his house? Or even stranger, why does everything in his little area of Gardeniaville take 5 times longer than normal to build? The halfway house is taking so long it’s like they’re not using tools, and before building his neighbors house, they dug down to the earth’s core and claimed some crap about “thermal heat”…huh? The whole thing seems very Bruce Wayne or Tony Stark, except that Justin doesn’t seem motivated enough to sneak around in the middle of the night helping people. To me, Walker seems more like a mixture between Keyser Soze and I, Robot.
Some other oddities include the fact that his only food sustenance comes from eating Skoal Long Cut Straight. I have never seen him eat a meal and neither has anyone else I interviewed. And if tobacco is the only thing he eats, how is his physique so pillowy and soft. He should look like Kate Moss after a cocaine bender yet I can’t even see his damn ribs. And why does a guy build a dog kennel on a $400,000 golf course lot. You could argue it’s because he doesn’t care about money, and I would agree with you except that every time I play golf with Justin, he hides beer in his man purse and sneaks them onto the golf course.
And where did this swing of his come from? Have you ever seen a guy so smooth that it looks like he decelerates the driver? Have you ever seen a guy that holes more putts? Have you ever seen a guy less affected by pressure? But then you add it all up and he can’t break 90 half the time…huh? And, does Justin really have a brother? I’ve never seem them in the same place at the same time. I mean they enter tournaments together, but then, coincidently, one of them will end up at county jail and not be able to show up. And what about the time Justin claimed his brother lives in Desert Mountain. I say “great, Pepper and I are going to Desert Mountain next week and would love to meet up with Blaine.” At which point Justin says, “Nope, you can’t, he’s moving to Denver tomorrow.”
Did Justin really attend the University of Tulsa? I haven’t seen a diploma and neither the Alumni President nor the Bursars office had ever heard of him. In fact, the only proof I could find that Justin may have attended TU is that freaking TU ball cap he wears every day. But, I’ve seen Park wear a Kentucky Derby hat and he’s damn sure not a jockey. See what I mean?
Has anyone seen Justin’s babies? Two weeks after they were supposedly born, Justin’s dad still hadn’t even seen them. Twins? Really? Are we suppose to believe that?
And lastly, the most compelling evidence of all. Ask yourself if you have ever seen Justin upset, mad, angry, bothered, or display any other human emotion?
I rest my case.
