Kentucky Derby Saturday at Cedar

Does anybody want to get together on Saturday to watch the race? We are going to Cedar to watch in the bar. The race is scheduled for 5:25. Maybe Haggard and Keith will hit a big trifecta again. It will be good for the rest of Gardeniaville if they do. Any outside money they can win will surely find its way into the Gardeniaville economy through ill advised golf bets!

TSC Charity Golf Tournament

Yesterday was the annual Tulsa Sports Charity Golf Tournament. Gardeniaville was represented by Keith, Haggard, Walker and myself. Keith was kind enough to get our team entered in the tournament. In typical Keith style, he had our team pay almost double the normal entry fee to allow us access to the pre-tournament celebrity party. The problem was that nobody could attend this party due to prior engagements. However, since it was for charity I will let him off of the hook for this one.

The format for the tournament was a 6 man scramble with each team having a couple of famous former athletes on their team. We only had five people on our team, but we did get a couple of ex Oklahoma Sooner stars on our team...Paul Thompson and Chris Haggard. The only difference between Paul and Haggard was that Haggard had to pay to enter the tournament. I believe he only devalued about 20 pieces of OU memorabilia with his autograph before a tournament official asked him who the hell he was and if he would please stop signing shit.

The weather didn't cooperate for the first few holes and it was a cold and rainy start. Paul was probably wondering what in the hell he had gotten himself into. He was freezing his ass off out in the rain playing golf with the only team in the field that was actively rooting against one another. We decide to play a side game amongst the four of us. We left Paul out of this game because it was obvious that he was much more proficient at throwing a football than hitting a golf ball. The game was simple. The furthest away from the hole on each approach shot owed those closer to hole 20 points each. Well, as we all know nothing that Keith is involved in is ever simple. On the sixth hole par three I hit first to about twenty five feet. Keith followed my shot with a shank that seemed to be a lock for furthest from the hole. Walker steps up and hits a decent shot to the middle of the green. Haggard follows with a miserable chunked six iron that looks every bit as bad as Keith's shank. It was going to be close. After twenty five minutes of pacing each ball to hole, Keith is convinced that we are all taking baby steps to his ball while long striding the journey out to Haggard's ball. Out comes the range finder of course! After another ten minutes of dialing in the Bushnell the results finally came in. They were both exactly 41 yards from the hole! Keep in mind that the hole was only playing about 165 yards. It is pretty hard to miss a 165 yarder by 41 yards but these clowns did it for sure! I was there. Most people that hit such horrible shots would step up and show some balls and split the bill for the two balls that hit the green. Not the case here with Haggard and Stitt. They refused to pay on grounds that...well I am not sure what grounds they refused to pay but they didn't. Stitt then had the nerve to call me spineless on the next tee box. He is a very delusional man.

After this fiasco I am sure that Thompson is convinced that he got the unluckiest draw of any of the athletes. He was kicking himself for not winning the Heisman which would have allowed him to play with a better class of people. Do you think Jason White was having to deal with this shit? Seriously Paul is a great guy and it was a fun day for all. By the time we rolled around to the 15th hole he broke out the I-pod, hooked it to Keith's cart speaker, and we were teeing off while listening to Usher. Haggard bombed a drive and immediately bit his lower lip and started bobbing his head proclaiming that he "Felt like dancing!". I thought for a minute that we might have a reenactment of the scene in the movie Hitch where Will Smith is having to teach Kevin James how to dance. Somehow we got off the tee box with no further dancing, eliminating embarrassing the shit out of Paul by having four overweight middle aged white boys hip hop dancing around him on the 15th tee. It was a close call though!

By the time we rolled around to the last hole I was surprisingly down the most points at -140 The guys graciously accepted my press to 40 points on the final hole. Keith and Walker hit great shots to a few feet after Haggard chunked his shot into the creek (#3 was our finishing hole). All I had to do was advance the ball over the creek to avoid losing the hole. Chunk! Creek! We decide to re hit to determine the loser. Haggard hits to about 15 feet and I somehow lay one to about 6 avoiding total disaster.

Walker was the only winner of the four at +140. I lost the most at a smooth 100. Hag and Keith lost 20 each. Our team ended up in 3rd place.

It was a very fun tournament with lots of great food, drinks, and people. I believe they said that there were 7 former Heisman winners there. I encourage everybody to try to play next year. It was a good day!

William Loses Putter, Points, and Mind

Saturdays matchup between Buergler/ Hawk vs. Haggard/ Park was a fairly tame Vegas match considering the presence of Haggard. It basically worked out where he was up most of the round thus eliminating the every hole rolling of the drums. Buergler and Hawk had a little trouble feeling out who was supposes to be the "A" player in their group. Especially after William barely gets past the ladies tees on two and Hawk procceds to go fishing in Little Haikey. William makes a brilliant up and down to save par which would become the highlight of his round. Anybody who knows this game is very aware of the fact that it is much better to have your highlights on 16 or 17, not 2.

Williams putting became an issue early on and he would never get it together. After a three putt on eight, he actually lost control of one of his famous fake club tosses. The weather could have been an issue. William is not known for playing his best in anythng but warm and fast conditions.

Haggard and Park ham and egged it fairly well. They made 176 points in the match and earned another 100 points having the swing. Park did almost miss his tee shot on 16. The ball barely cleared the creek and did not make the ladies tees. It was a horrble driving day for him, but Haggard covered him well.

Hobie had to take a preround dump, thus putting him the group behind the Vegas game and saving him many points.

DAY ONE: THE NIGHT

Round 2 Recap will come later... Maybe. In the meantime the following account is the best I can do.

Time 8:00pm - 3:00am PST

After getting drilled for 18 holes at the Stadium Course by Park/Jennings, Keith and I were distraught. It is tough to lose to Jennings on any occasion, but it is made especially worse when you are verbally abused. Everyone knows the details by now, details would be redundant. What you can take away from this is how much more difficult it made a loss to him to handle.

I was sick, I had to drown my sorrows. I chose to do so with a couple double Goose and Sodas (maybe more than a couple). The group headed to Palmer's Restaurant. A putting green behind the bar made the 2 hour wait for a table seem like 5 minutes. In my drunken stupor I managed to win $100 in a putting contest from less drunk but still much worse golfers.

We sit down and enjoyed a wonderful dinner. William was canned. I mean canned. Not many people get to enjoy William as drunk as he was this night. Sipping vino, legs crossed, hair hanging over his eye, mustache in full force, and the patented, "I'm so much smarter (pretty sure I'm better) than you", smirk all over his face.

I thought I would take advantage of Will in his numbed state. Whit and I challenged Will/Green to $20 Vegas for the following morning. They accepted. I ordered Will several more glasses of the House Cab he was drinking. It backfired. He quit drinking which forced me to down about 2 bottles of some Greg Norman shit. It was good at 11pm, but not so good at 2am.

We stumbled out of the bar, and I remember nothing else until 2am. This is vague, but again to the best of my knowledge. Green gets woke out of bed because they are about to tow his car. It wakes me up too. Green gets up to move his car, I tell him he is a dumbshit and to keep it down. Next thing I know... PUKE! PUKE! and more PUKE! Did not make it to the bathroom, trashcan or even out of my bed. I puked Shitty Norman Cab/Arnie Filet all over the bed. Threw the sheets onto the front porch and went back to bed.

Proceeded to not break 90 the next day, and lost about 3000 points to anyone who was smart enough to bet me. The only good thing about that night was that William had to pick up the tab.

Green/Haggard v Park/Buergler: Round 1

The game was 2-4-6 Vegas with no cap. Haggard came out firing on all cylinders blowing his drive on #1 well right almost on #2 fairway. He then gets steep on a wedge, as if his swing allows for an alternative, and sticks it to 15 feet. He calmly drained it for birdie and proceeds to ride his partner's coattails for the remaining 17 holes. Green, proving that the shortest path to success in Gardeniaville is an unsubstantiated handicap, dissected the Nicklaus firing a 74 and was heard complaining of a bad back on the two mediocre shots he hit. Green and Haggard prevailed winning 220 points from Park and Buergler.

We are lacking round one update from Stitt, Gooch, Pepper, Whit.

Gardeniaville Invitational Recap: Part One

Wow. That was a bender.

Before the trip began I had high hopes that I would post nightly updates from La Quinta. I planned on going back to my room after dinner and writing insightful, informative pieces about Gardeniaville’s first Major. I was thinking nightly interviews with the leaders discussing playing conditions, course layouts, weather, stimpmeter readings, ball striking, putting, etc… Maybe even some human interest stories highlighting the best that Gardeniaville participants have to offer. As it turns out, by the time dinner would end, most of the leaders could no longer talk, and I found myself urinating in community hot tubs.

For starters, La Quinta is a spectacular resort. Instead of normal hotel rooms, they have hundreds of adobe villas spread over 45 acres of spotlessly manicured grounds. The weather was perfect (mid 80’s with a gentle breeze) and unlike Alabama, we were very close to all of the golf courses.

Upon arrival on Wednesday, most of the Gardeniaville participants stretched their legs with a practice round at the La Quinta Dunes course. A few things became obvious right away and would fuel some spirited dinner conversation. #1) William is not a 6 handicap. He is at worst a two. #2) Mike Green is not a 3 handicap. He is at worst a scratch. #3) Whitworth is not a 6 handicap. He is at best a twelve.

Suffering from travel exhaustion, we all went to bed immediately following dinner. Two hours later Keith, my roommate, arrives at La Quinta and he is tanked. A few minutes later I find myself in a cab speeding towards “The Beer Hunter”, a local bar. Keith challenges everyone in the bar, to play any game in the bar, for any amount of money in the bar. Keith and I proceed to lose in pool, shuffle board, Hot Shot Basketball and even that game where you try to pick up stuffed animals with a crane. It was bad. Mercifully, the bar closes at 2:00 am and they kicked us out. We bum a ride back to the resort from a medicinal marijuana dealer, and 20 minutes later I finally get to sleep.

Round One: This is where it gets tricky. It has been a week and 500 beers since round one, and I can barely remember it. I know that Kilian and I were paired against Jennings and Joyce in a 2-4-6 Vegas game. Alan and I come out of the gates on fire. After Alan chips in on #5 for birdie (my nomination for shot of the trip) we are 3 under as a team and drilling the bad guys. Unfortunately, we went wheels off from that point and got smoked. KJ never missed another shot and Jennings was more than happy to sprinkle in a quota building birdie every few holes. Ultimately we received a mercy ruling on 18 to only lose 300 points apiece. Not off to a great start.

(I need someone from the other 2 groups to add some color on their rounds. Either email me or add to comments and I will get it posted for Part 2. Please write and email me anything you want included in the tournament recap. This will probably be a 3 or 4 part series )

LAST MINUTE CHANGE

After much deliberation Buergler decides to forgo guys' golf trip and opts for trip to Vegas with the girls. The recent drama over the announced pairings convinced him that the odds of spending a fun and relaxing weekend with emotionally stable travelling companions are better with two pregnant and four menstruating women than eleven self-absorbed children. He apologizes for any inconveniences this causes with the pairings.

ODDS TO WIN THE 2010 GARDENIAVILLE DEBACLE IN THE DESERT

W. Beurgler 3/1
M. Green 5/1
J. Goodman 5/1
H. Higgins 8/1
J. Park 10/1
K. Joyce 10/1
D. Gooch 10/ 1
J. Whitworth 10/1
P. DeVaughn 10/1
C. Haggard 18/1
K. Stitt 25/1
A. Kilian 30/1

Above: A pre round shit talking maniac

W.Beurgler: Returning champ still the one to beat. Although he has had his share of serious struggles this winter, you can count on him to be ready tourney time.

M. Green: Probably the best overall golfer in the field. Keeping it together for 6 rounds could be the only thing between him and the title.

J. Goodman: Always in contention. Pure grinder. Has had a bit of a layoff over the last couple years, but the word on the street is that he has been digging it out of the dirt on the range.

H. Higgins: Greatest amount of raw talent in the field. If Hobie gets hot he could win by a mile. Rooming situation could be a factor here though. Late nights with little sleep could be a factor in the late rounds.

J. Park: Coming off of a decent winter, he could be a contender. Might be worth the odds even though he turns into a total hack when the thermometer tops 45 F.

K. Joyce: Streaky golfer here. Wouldn't be surprised to see him creeping up the leader board late in the tourney. Possible hang up could be the built up tension and anxiety over the pairings. Will have to get over it to factor in this one.

D. Gooch: New to the field in 2010 could be a bit of a dark horse. Word has it that he is no stranger to side bets. This could pull him right up the leader board as the late round tension builds.

J. Whitworth: Could quietly run away with the tournament if he gets hot. A few early birdies could set the tone for a smooth ride to the winners circle. The low roper might not be the shot for these desert courses though.

P. DeVaughn: At 10/1 Pepper is probably the best long odd bet in the field. Solid all around player in general when he is not bouncing golf balls off of Hobies head. Must avoid a trip to the spirit world to contend this year.

C. Haggard: Normally right at the top of these tournaments, his game has gone south...way south. Could be fun to throw a dollar or two on this long shot, but definitely not worth any significantly money.

K.Stitt: Probably needs to search for some senior events. 108 holes in three days just to much for this old dog. Usually strong out of the gate, but due to conditioning, consumption, and a trick knee, it will be a success for him to just cross the finish line.

A.Kilian: Last year Alan was in contention the entire tourney, ending up in third place. It is tough to remain at the top when you all but quit the game to pursue killing animals however. Would be a Cinderella story though!

Change in Pairings and Tee Times

Rounds 1-5 will not be changed. Round 6 will be the following:



Group 1:

#12, #11, #10, #9

Group 2:

#8, #7, #6, #5

Group 3:

#4, #3, #2, #1



This round will be seeded according to your place in the tournament after Round 5. Any other questions or concerns regarding the pairing sheets can be shoved right up your ass.